The holiday season hits different when you're incarcerated. After five prison terms and more county jail stays than I care to count, I've spent enough holidays behind bars to know that these "festive" times can be the hardest part of doing time.
The Reality of Holiday Celebrations Inside
Most people picture prison holidays from movies – maybe some extra turkey on Thanksgiving, or Christmas carols echoing through cell blocks. The reality? It's far more complex and emotionally charged than that.
In county jail, holidays barely register except for maybe an extra slice of turkey or a small bag of candy. The revolving door nature of jail makes it hard to build the kind of community that makes holidays bearable. You might be there for a few days or a few months, but that uncertainty adds another layer of stress to an already difficult time.
State and Federal prison is different. You have time to build relationships, create traditions. During my five stretches, I learned that residents often go all out with what little we have. We'd save up commissary items for weeks to create makeshift feasts. Someone might trade their shower time for an extra packet of hot chocolate. Small gestures become huge acts of kindness when you're away from everything familiar.
The Weight of Missing Out
The hardest part isn't the food or lack of decorations – it's knowing what you're missing:
- Children opening presents without you
- Parents getting older, celebrating another year you can't be there
- Traditional family gatherings happening while you sit in a cell
- Missing the chance to create new memories with loved ones
What Changed for Me
After multiple stints, I started seeing holidays differently. Each time I was inside during Christmas or Thanksgiving became a stark reminder of what I was risking with my choices. Watching other residents receive visits from their families – or worse, watching those who never got visitors – hit differently each time.
Moving Forward
Now that I'm out, I don't take holiday freedom for granted. Simple things matter more:
- Being able to eat when and what I want
- Choosing who to spend time with
- Creating new traditions with family
- Having control over how I celebrate
What People Should Know
If you know someone inside during the holidays:
1. Write them letters – mail call becomes even more important during these times
2. Accept their collect calls if you can
3. Put money on their books if possible
4. Send photos of family celebrations
5. Remember they're probably struggling more than they let on
Looking Back, Looking Forward
Each holiday season reminds me of where I've been and motivates me to stay on track. My experience taught me that while the system is designed to punish, it's up to us to decide whether we'll let it define us or use it as motivation to change.
The truth is, you never really forget what it's like to wake up on Christmas morning to the sound of count time instead of family laughter. But these memories serve a purpose – they remind me of what I'm not willing to lose again.
This blog post reflects my personal experiences and views. While everyone's journey through incarceration is different, sharing these stories helps build understanding and reminds others who are struggling that change is possible.
Kardell
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